mondays should just be called national damage control day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
