I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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