Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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