I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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