I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
