I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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