so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
