I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
