Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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