No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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