FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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