So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
