KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
