I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
