where am i from again
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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