I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
