Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That accounts for only three of the penises
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
