Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh god it's open bar.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
