I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
