Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
