There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
