I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
