Dual....:-)
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
