What a fucking waste of an outfit
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
