I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
