Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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