I could make wine with my vomit
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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