I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My life is pants optional.
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