fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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