dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
