Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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