I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
