i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
