alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
