I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
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Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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