I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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