I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am in a vortex of obligation.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's on the porch naked. Help.