I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
