Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
