I think my vagina is haunted
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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