wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
