Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Bring me that man meat
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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