I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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