morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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