And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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