I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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