The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
