The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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