roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
are you so shy because you have an std?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
