if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
