Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
