No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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