Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
