Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
