I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
