i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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