What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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