so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Randomize
