I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
