I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
