He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
