i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
