It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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