Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fuck appropriateness.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
