Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
